How do I save my Marriage?
OK. We’ve been getting into aruguments alot lately. I talk about how work is getting to me and he thinks i’m only drama. From my view i only seem to annoy him, I don’t want him to solve my problems, I only want him to listen. Anyway we talk over the phone alot,being that he’s a marine station on the other side of the country. So when an ex started sending me emails, just to say hi and wanted to know how things were going with me. I replied but after a week of conversating. I felt really guiltly knowing my husband wanted me not to ever talk with him again. So I stopped and told my husband. He responded with anger and was very hurt….and now wants a divorce. We always got into arguements and i knew we would recover, but this time I think it’s over. But i honestly still love him. I tried to talk but nothing i say seems to help. I regret even opening the message. I don’t have a clue what to do or say to make him stay. Your opinions please!
First, I would not listen to the idiots that answered that your husbands anger must must be because he’s doing something wrong, like cheating. They don’t know that!
I’m not surprised that he is angry about the e-mails. He is a man. He’s on the other side of the country and you’re here. That’s a lot of separation! It’s normal for a man (or a woman) to feel insecure if his wife is talking to an X .
You may think that your X is not interested in getting back with you but that may very well not be the case. I hate to say this, but if a man is looking for a friend, 99 times out of 100, he will look for a guy to be a friend.
Your X may say he’s only interested in being a friend (it’s possible but not likely) but probably he is testing the waters to see if you are interested in more than that. Your husband knows that (all guys do) and understandably felt hurt when he found out that you were e-mailing your X.
When someone is understandably angry, saying things like, that it was platonic, or I needed someone to talk to, only irritate the person more. It’s better to just say, “I’m sorry.”, and then listen to the person that is angry. When they get to the point where they ask you why you did it, then give your explanation.
Then, when the other person is done talking, tell the person, again, that you are so sorry that you did what you did, that you didn’t want to hurt him and that you won’t do it again. I’ve learned that when I made a mistake that this is the most effective way at regaining a good relationship with that person.
You may feel like you didn’t do anything wrong because your intentions were pure but it was a mistake. I’m not criticizing, I do plenty of things that are mistakes, and then I just have to take my verbal spanking and try not to do it again.
Both you and your husband are under a lot of stress because he is serving his country so far away. I know that it is terrible for you to not have him with you, for many reasons. I suspect that he feels that way also.
It’s true that you need to talk to someone who cares about you to tell them about your life and the difficulties that you’re having. Guys usually have a hard time with this. We were taught that it is weak and unmanly to tell others that we are having problems.
The other thing about guys is that we were taught that if you have a problem, don’t complain, fix it; and we are very fix it oriented. When we hear the woman we love telling us about problems she’s having, we want to fix the problems or at least, to give her suggestions about how she can fix them. His saying that it’s just drama may be his way of saying that it’s hard for him to hear it.
For your husband to hear about problems that he can’t fix because he’s not there, may cause him to feel more insecure about whether you will stay with him. His asking for a divorce, may be because he feels insecure about your love for him.
Tell him how much you love him and how happy that you will be when he gets home. Ask him how it is for him there and try to be supportive to him. In a marriage, there are times when one person needs more support than the other.
No matter how bad you feel, this may be a time that you need to give him emotional support and not expect much in return. Then when he returns, things can get back to normal.
There is no way to get around it, being separated from your spouse for long periods of time is stressful on the relationship for both people. Maybe it will help to think about the wives whose husbands went to war in WW 2. Their husbands were gone for 4 years!
Focus on his needs, tell him that you love him very much and don’t want a divorce, tell him how sorry you are that you e-mailed your X and that you won’t do that again. You may have to tell him these things over and over again before he starts to feel good about your marriage again.
I don’t know your husband, but the things I said would apply to any guy. My best wishes for you and your husband. I hate the advice that some people gave you to forget it and move on and that your husband is probably cheating anyway. Those are childish responses!
A marriage is wonderful but takes a lot of work. Before I got married I had heard that but didn’t know what it meant. Now, I know that the work is internal. It’s trying to understand the other person, trying to understand myself, learning to communicate effectively, and on many occasions, giving up my pride to apoligize when I made a mistake.
I really hope that you and your husband get through this and have a wonderful marriage for the rest of your lives. God bless you.